Hello, friends!
It was extremely idealistic of me to schedule a Friday-morning newsletter, given my known schedule as a school teacher. I’m usually exhausted by Friday. Hence, a new schedule: expect Bluestocking Catalogue on Sundays.
Here is what is on my mind: everything is a dumpster fire. We are still okay.
The first part seems very true to me all the time right now. No matter where I turn, everything feels terrible: my high level of work-related stress; the collective tragedy of this ongoing pandemic (and its horrific mismanagement by people we are supposed to be able to trust! whose only job is to take care of us!); or, say, the real possibility of the demise of constitutional democracy in the US as we know it. KEEPIN’ IT REAL LIGHT & BREEZY HERE FOR YOU, DEAR READER.
GARBAGE, as one of my best friends likes to say.
And also - we are still okay, even when it feels less true to me than the first statement. The late-summer zinnias on the front porch grow taller by the day. The days are growing shorter as we slide into fall. I listen to music that makes me happy, and I find joy in well-told stories or simple dinners made more delicious by the fact that my husband cooked while I fit in another hour of work. Friday night we ordered take-out from our local tex-mex place and watched the first Harry Potter movie, and I found comfort.
I woke up this morning and chose to sit quietly and stare out the window. I try to let myself feel. We are still okay, AND everything is a dumpster fire. Both can be true. Both have to be true. We wake up, we move through the day, we sleep, we repeat. We try to care for ourselves. We try to care for each other.
A verse from my childhood comes to mind: “when the foundations are being destroyed, what can the righteous do?” (Psalm 11:3) My dad would read this Bible verse, then thunder his answer: “Keep on being righteous, of course!” I interpret this verse differently now than my father did back then, but what appeals to me today is its rhetorical honesty. Its nuance and simplicity, at once. A more contemporary version puts it this way, “What can an honest person do when everything crumbles?” What indeed?
I’ve been thinking about this paradox this week, especially because one of my favorite podcasts, The Feminist Survival Podcast, discussed this idea this week. The Nagoskis offer a different perspective from my father’s, yet in a weird way they seem to come to the same conclusion. During the episode “Emily’s Epiphany,” Emily shared about her frustrations and concerns about our collective (political) body and shared her epiphany, which was: regardless of what happens in the election, I will still be doing the things I am doing today. I will still do my meaningful work, the thing I can contribute to the world, and I will still work to distance my participation in systems that harm (her example was Big Agro, but this could be applied in a lot of different ways.) In other words: keep showing up.
Holding the reality of our collective pain and danger alongside the moments of ordinary joy that populate my days can feel heavy and exhausting. I don’t think there’s an easy way to “end” these reflections because I am, as Rilke advised, living my questions. I’ll let Rilke have the last word:
“I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
Here’s a list of things bringing me joy as I live (sometimes with angst, sometimes with peace) my questions:
ONE BAKE: Blueberry Pound Cake
My dear friend Emily shared this recipe with me over ten years ago, and I still make it every summer. I don’t have an original source besides Emily, but I have it memorized now. It is easy and delicious and rides that perfect line between dessert/breakfast that I love.
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
2 cups white sugar
3 cups flour, sifted
4 eggs
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. vanilla (optional)
1 pint of blueberries
1. Cream the butter and sugar at high speed until the color of the butter turns several shades lighter and the mixture is fluffy.
2. While the butter and sugar are creaming, rinse the blueberries and coat them with flour. This helps them stay whole and distinct. Go ahead and pre-heat the oven to 350 now, and grease & flour your tube pan.
3. Add the sifted flour, eggs, and baking powder. Mix until well combined, scraping the edge of the bowl as needed.
4. Gently mix in the prepared blueberries, either at the lowest speed or by hand.
5. Pour into a greased and floured tube pan. Bake for 45- 60 minutes, or until a knife comes out clean.
6. Let it cool for a few minutes before you sample. If you’re me, that means like 10 minutes. 20 if I’m feeling especially virtuous.
ONE PODCAST: Nice White Parents
This five-episode podcast by Serial/ The New York Times explores one school in Brooklyn since its opening in the 60’s - and in so doing, explores the dark underbelly of racism in the public school systems in America, and white parents’ role in maintaining that status quo. The storytelling is compelling, making this the kind of podcast I would binge during a road trip or stress-cleaning. Nice White Parents is meticulously researched, expertly produced, and deeply thoughtful - I want all white people to listen to it. If you do/have, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
ONE PLAYLIST: “five o’clock”
This is my mood-booster playlist, my “it’s five o’clock [or, let’s be real seven o’clock] and I need to switch gears from work to home but I’m home all the time” playlist. My “everything is a dumpster fire and I need to feel okay” playlist. It’s dance-y and makes me happy.
That’s all for now, bluestockings! Thank you for being here. 💙